I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
