It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
