The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
