Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
