So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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