I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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