If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
