I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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