Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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