I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i came on her dog
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
