you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
