We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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