Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
