I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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