6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
