fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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