My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
