haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
