I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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