you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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