So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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