you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
