i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
