What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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