Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
