It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
