watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
