i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
