The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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