On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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