If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
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There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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