Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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