A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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