She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
