24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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