well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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