He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
