You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
