You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Semen is not good for contacts.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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