In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
oh good, I think they're gone
I'm eating all of the evidence.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
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he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid