there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
