i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
