They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
