i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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