Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
