Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
