Betty ford says i'm here all night
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
