she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
did i walk over a car last night?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
