On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
