Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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