When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
