Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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