im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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