I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
