whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
