Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
that is very illegal...i love you.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
