I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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