You can't motorboat a personality
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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