hotel room ftw
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
