mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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