You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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