Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How does it feel to date your dad?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
