At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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