We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
ugly people sure do ruin things
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
