I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
23 People Confess The Lamest Things They’ve Ever Done To Fit In
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
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I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.