This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"