How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.